benjarvis.org » Humor

“Style 2 Sell”, My 1997 Hip Hop Hit.

Ben — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 20:29:53 +0000

Today I went to the thrift shop to find a tape deck so I could start digitizing my shoe box full of demo tapes. I lucked out and found a pristine Technics deck and it sounds great. I have roughly 30-40 tapes with various musical pieces. Well they were attempts at music. At any rate, they all need to be digitized, remastered and archived. I plan on releasing the best (or worst) of it here as I go through the pile.

The first song was a no brainer. In 1997, I was spending a lot of time slacking around with my buddy Josh, making music with whatever device we could get our hands on. I had bought a Roland MC-303 and we decided to try our hand at making a hip hop song. We didn’t have proper recording equipment, so we patched the mono output of the MC-303 into the left mic input on a tape deck I had and a mic in to the right input. This totally separated the vocals from the music. When it played back it was like listening to one of the first stereo albums with wacky extreme stereo effects, before they calmed down and put the vocals in the middle. It was fun but always kind of disappointing. The other problem was that we used a shitty mic without a pop filter so the vocals were really muddy. Most of the words were unintelligible.

Now, 13 years later, I’ve digitized the two tracks, cleaned them up (the best I could), mixed it to center and equalized it. It’s no Phil Specter Wall-of-Sound classic, but it sounds a lot better than it did and I’m happy to release it. Since I have the music and vocals separated, I think there might be a 2010 remix in the future.

Please understand that we’re not rappers. This was just for fun. Two dumb slackers playing around. I produced the beat and melody, Josh wrote and rapped the first half, I wrote and rapped the second half.

Style 2 Sell.flac (Lossless)
Style 2 Sell.oga (OGG Vorbis)

An Open Letter to the Makers of Shamwow.

Ben — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 13:55:55 +0000

I had a $20 rebate card to Pep Boys so I went to see what I could get. Not much really. I was hoping for a Leatherman or a Mag-Light, but no such luck. I finally settled on a $19.99 box of Shamwow. Is it as good as they say? In a word: no. I tried to use it. I’ve given it over a week of usage to try and find away to make it work like they advertised. No such luck, it’s just a crappy product. By the way, I think its the same material as the Snuggie. So basically Shamwow is just an unassembled Snuggie. I never write letters to companies, but today I did. You can too! Send your complaints to: ronny@squareoneent.com

Here is the email I sent them.

“Dear Scheisters,

I bought your Shamwow product from my friendly neighborhood Pep Boys and was excited to try it out on the very next spill or mess that need cleaning. I, like millions of other Americans, was captivated by your talented pitchman and could not believe that a product like yours existed. It seemed too good to be true! Well I guess it was.

Your product is terrible. Awful. Less than useless. Not only does in fail at soaking up messes, it actually spreads the mess around! I tried dabbing it dry, dabbing it wet, pressing hard, you name it. The damn cloths refuse to pick up water! And when I did manage to get it wet (usually by running the tap over it) it refused to dry when rung out. It was always slightly damp. It also lost its shape almost immediately. It’s not a replacement for paper towels, it doesn’t even do what a paper towel can do!

So yes, I’m dissatisfied. Congratulations, you got my $20. You can keep it as I don’t want to do any more business with your bullshit company. Next time make a product that works. Shamwow? More like Scamwow.

By the way, nice spokesman you got there. When I heard that he was arrested for beating a whore I was not in the fucking least surprised. You guys are a class act all the way.

Sincerely,
Ben Jarvis”

Microsoft Songsmith

Ben — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:28:00 +0000

First, watch a bit of this:

Then watch this:

Repeat with any other Songsmith videos you can find. You’re welcome.

Store it at Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rentals and Storage.

Ben — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 00:01:00 +0000

Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rentals and Storage.

It’s My Birthday, I’m Gonna Party Like It’s My Birthday.

Ben — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 06:24:50 +0000

Today was my birthday and now I’m 31. I slept most of today recovering from Halloween and Saturday. We did manage to Golden Corral and Game Crazy. I ate steak, meatloaf, mash potatoes, the whole shebang. At Game Crazy I bought a copy of “New Super Mario Bros”.

I got:

$70 in birthday cash (Thanks Mom and Dad and Vee and Chris!)
The Walking Dead Vol. 5 and Vol. 6 (Thank you Erin and Andy)
2 Shards of Alara Magic the Gathering decks (Thank you Corin!)
Super Mario Kart DS (Thank You Kelly and Rene!)

Saturday night we met Erin, Kelly, and Rene at the mediterranean buffet (Kelly’s treat) for dinner and presents. After that we went to Dragon’s Lair where I dropped $40 on comics. We then picked up some horror DVDs at Vulcan. I rented Nude for Satan, an Italian horror film with a title that says it all. There are 2 others, but we haven’t watched them yet.

Friday night (Halloween) was pretty awesome. We gave candy out and tried to take down the headless horsemen in WoW. We failed, but it was fun anyway.

That’s all for now. I leave you with one of my father’s recent TV appearances. He played the camera man in the Licorice Stick segment of Chocolate News. Please to enjoy.

How U doin’?

Ben — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 03:01:00 +0000

Thinking about a spray on tan? Think again. Check out these photos of douches in the wild.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/new_jersey_freakshows/1958/

(Ads MAY be NSFW)

Just Say No!

Ben — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:29:00 +0000

Did you know the LA Lakers did an anti-drug song in the 80s? Well they did. To bad they didn’t do a “wear a condom” song. Sorry Magic.

Guitar Baby III.

Ben — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:41:00 +0000

I made this:

Here is the HIGH-LARIOUS source image:

The Littlest Guitar Hero.

Ben — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:41:00 +0000

I made this!

Here is the HIGH-LARIOUS source image -> http://i28.tinypic.com/2i101o8.jpg

Bald and Paunchy.

Ben — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 02:25:00 +0000

I wanna see a film or TV show with these three guys in it.

I’m thinking “Bald and Paunchy”. They could share an apartment with an old hound dog. Every episode is comprised of them griping and hemming and hawing and saying things like “Gee gawd…aww…ehhh…lemme think about that”. Maybe it could be called “Hound Dogs”?

I think it’d be a hit.